Well, I am the worst blog writer ever. I haven’t written since October..yikes! There has been a pretty good reason though and after two months of grieving/healing? who knows what…I am back to write some more of our story. I have been having friends and even strangers out there in the blog world asking how I am and what is going on…so here it goes.

11/20- Dave and I had our 2nd IUI. This time around we used injections (more shots….) and my body responded amazing. We had to go in for the IUI a few days earlier then expected because I had so many eggs going on!

Thanksgiving Day– I felt very sick and was really starting to get some exciting symptoms I have never had before (won’t go into to much detail haha but holy sore boobs!)

12/2- I got up at 4 am to take a pregnancy test. (One day earlier then we were told). I had a very good feeling as I was already feeling things and even having some cravings– odd right?! (Mcdonald’s nuggets too lol) For the first time in my life I saw a positive test…two lines!!! No joke, I was by myself and got to my knees in the bathroom and cried. I ran in and woke Dave up (poor guy) and shoved the test in his face. He was sleeping and so out of it…I think in shock! But I continued to cry in bed and was so excited/nervous/scared. We told my parents and sister…all 3 screamed and cried…this is finally our time! We told Dave’s parents and they were ecstatic. Everyone was so excited and optimistic.

I went for bloodwork on 12/2 and it was definitely positive! A beta (hcg level) of 161…which was amazing for the first one. I went again on 12/4 and it doubled! Just like it should have… 🙂 I was starting to breathe a little easier but still felt very sick and was extremely nervous for the first ultrasound.

I went back for bloodwork 2 more times and every time it doubled….so, so happy but a part of me couldn’t relax. I kept saying it was too good to be true and I was just waiting for bad news. I cried to my mom how anxious I was and she tried to calm me and say it was a healthy pregnancy- the numbers are showing it and to relax. I had to relax.

12/17 I believe it was, Dave and I went in for the 1st ultrasound. At this point the fetus is only 5 weeks so you can barely see it but should be able to move out the sac and should be able to see the fetal pole (so tiny) and heartbeat. We went in and I was shaking and so scared, the nurse was trying to calm us down and quickly put us in the ultrasound room. It was amazing..we saw a sac and you can see a tiny, tiny flicker…a heartbeat!! Holy crap. This is real- we are pregnant! The ultrasound went so fast and the doctor was not there- so we had some questions, but the excitement and joy took over and we were quickly in and out of the office. The nurse told us to come back the following Friday for another ultrasound and that the doctor would be there.   A part of me had a bad feeling…why did she have to point out the doc would be there? What did it go so quick? I guess it was just routine and they see it everyday I told myself..it is ok.

I asked for a picture and even though you can barely see anything…I put it on the fridge. My parents cried looking at it…our grandchild they said! My sister downloaded a pregnancy app like me and we said..it is the size of a sweet pea this week!!

The Saturday before Christmas, we drove down to VA to stay with Dave’s parents for a week. I had a really bad headache and a small temperature and just did not feel myself. I slept for awhile and stayed in by myself for dinner to relax. I felt off that whole week but hey- they say when you don’t feel good it is a good thing and the baby is growing, so i was ok with it. I still had my doubts and every little symptom I googled waiting for bad news. Every single time I sat on the toilet I held my breathe that there would be blood. I thought once I got pregnant I would relax, why was I driving myself CRAZY?

12/27- Back in NJ and heading to see our little fetus. On the way there Dave and I actually were smiling and excited to see the ultrasound. At this point we were 7 weeks exactly! I had a list of questions written down to ask and I thought..I hope I can ask them. I got mad at myself- stop it and be positive damnit!

We got into the ultrasound room and the doctor walked in with the nurse- I was shaking again and my heart was racing- geez, will this feeling end or happen everytime I go in? Everything came up on the screen and the doctor pointed out I had two sacs, but only one with a fetal pole. Hm doc, what does that….. before I could get my question out: “Well, there should be a heartbeat here.” He said like it was nothing…wait, should be? He looks at us, “I’m sorry, I don’t see a heartbeat and you are only measuring at 6 weeks and 4 days, not 7.” I said so we were off a few days.. I read that is ok! He continued to explain the heartbeat should look like a light switch going on and off and he has been doing this for years and there is nothing.

At this point I was crying and pretty much yelling no, no….Dave was stunned. He just sat there…staring.

The nurse quickly cleaned up and handed me a tissue and walked out. I was a mess. The doctor tried to explain the next steps and why this happened and I heard nothing. He walked out of the room quietly and for the first time in 7 years, I saw Dave cry. We held each other for a minute and I just kept saying I want to go home. I saw it on the screen- it was so tiny and cute…how is it gone? Why would God finally give us our positive and take it away? I didn’t get it. I still don’t.

Walking out the nurse came running over and hugged me. They wanted me to wait and pass the 2 sacs naturally and then give them a call. I will never forget hearing my mom’s voice and telling her what happened. I made her tell my dad and sister- I just couldn’t talk. I texted my support group who was there every step of the way and told them. I texted my best friend and when she called right away- I sobbed on the phone with her. No one knew what to say. They just cried with me.  Since my parents were away- my mom’s good friend and my aunt came right over with SOO much food. I didn’t want to tell anyone but it felt good to get a hug from them and enough food to last us 2 weeks. My sister, my support group, my best friend all sent flowers. I said to Dave- man it looks like a funeral home in here. Then I stopped- well, it kind of is. Dave ran out that day and got me treats and flowers too- I just wanted to sleep and lay in bed. He showed me that day just how strong he is and how one of the worst days of my life, he kept it together for us. I called my acupuncturist who a week before was so thrilled and excited for me. He has been there every step of the way with us and he was so angry. “Every time we get a step further, we get pushed back.”- his exact words.

My mom flew home the next week- she had to see me she said. She had me go to my Ob-Gyn and thank God because it was over a week later and I still did not pass anything. (that little sucker was holding on ha). So I had a d&c right after new years.  The thought of waiting for this to pass and having to pass 2 sacs and who knows what I would see- I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle the stress and anxiety of it all. Hi 2014, you are a bitch already huh? After the D&C, the doctor told my mom how strong I was …she didn’t even cry he said. As they wheeled in me (into the maternity ward- yup, that is where they do it) and as I saw pictures of smiling babies (they made sure there were no women around or newborns), I was numb. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t scream…. I just sat there strong and had the doctor take it away.

I could go on and on with my feelings and telling you more details, but this is where I will stop now. I did have one more breakdown the week after- I missed my little buddy- how weird is that? Not at all said a few of my friends who I have told and had babies…that is what it feels like they said.

It has been 2 months and Dave and I are ready to go again and try. I took a nice mini-vaca in Florida to visit my parents and to get away. I stopped with my strict gluten free diet- I just want a donut and I am having it! lol. I start acupuncture again this week and have been starting to take my herbs and drink my raspberry leaf tea again.  I made some date nights with my friends (all moms and dads- but I learned to say how I feel and “get a babysitter”). I got my hair done and nails and tanning. We had a couples massage.I am going to continue to treat myself..life is too short.

This will happen. We will get pregnant again and stay pregnant. I have to remain positive. I have to pray and hope.

oxox Steph