Well, that is probably the cleanest title I can come up with for you.
This is really hard for me to write, so please be patient with me. I will share my story eventually, but for now…I want you to know the nightmare/hell/crappy 2 years my husband and I have been going through.
In the last 6 months, 7 of my friends have had babies. SEVEN. 2 of them had their second. I have wanted a baby and to start a family since the day I said “I DO” (10/1/10). My husband and I decided to wait a year, enjoy being newlyweds and take a trip to Italy. We have time we said, no rush. We thought we would get pregnant quickly and easily like our friends and family, oh how we were wrong. 23 months of hope, 23 months of prayers, 23 months of disappointments, doctor appointments and negative tests. It takes over your life and as much as you try to not let it- it does.
Facebook does not help- 7 may have had babies the past 6 months, but a hand full of others have announced a pregnancy. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Every day I have to see baby pictures, back to school pictures, Johnny is 6 weeks today everybody!, Sally loves peas!…as much as I am happy for my friends, it hurts. When my friends have their babies, I smile at the pictures, say a prayer thanking God everyone is ok..and then I mourn. I mourn for myself, my husband and my family. I cry. Then I wipe my tears and move on.
I walk by my wedding pictures and point out all of my bridesmaids who are now moms. I hold my breathe when my phone rings…oh great, who is calling now with “I have something to tell you….I’m pregnant. ” Not going to lie, I have taken anti-anxiety pills to attend baby showers. (love you all, but you may be getting more no’s from me then yes, I will be there.)
I continue to visit my friends and their beautiful blessings. I continue to ask for updates and crazy of me..take newborn pictures (more on that later). But, I watch the hurt in my husband’s eyes every time he sees me holding a baby. I see the tears in my mom and dad’s eyes when another friend has a grandchild and I can’t give them one. (yet…I will.) I walk through target and go around the baby section, because I already broke down crying in the aisle once before.
So my friends, that is the beginning of my story. I am shaking and tearing up as I write this, but damn it feels good to get it out.